1. You separate your trash into more than five different bins. 2. Your front door has a sign with your family name made from salt dough. 3. You carry a "4You" backpack. 4. You eat a cold dinner at 6pm. 5. You call your cell phone "handy" and a projector "beamer". 6. You have no problems with nude beaches and saunas. 7. You have asked your Asian-American friend, "No, but where are you *really* from?" 8. You have gotten splinters from environmentally friendly toilet paper. 9. You call an afternoon stroll "Nordic Walking". 10. You are shocked when you have to pay for dental care. 11. You own a pair of jeans in a color other than blue. 12. People start talking about Hitler and Hofbräuhaus when you tell them where you're from. 13. Tenth grade was all about dancing lessons. 14. You work 40 hour weeks and have 6 weeks of vacation a year, but complain about hard times. 15. Your childhood diet consisted of Alete and Zwieback. 16. Your college diet consisted of Miracoli and Döner. 17. You were educated about sex by Dr. Sommer. 18. You yell at people for jaywalking. (that's crossing the pelican crossing on red for us Europeans!) 19. You grew up watching "Löwenzahn" and "Die Sendung mit der Maus". And Baywatch - I've been looking for freedom! 20. You think college tuition is an outrage. 21. You routinely go 100mph on the highway and tailgate heavily. 22. On your last day of high school you made your teachers sing Karaoke and jump through hoops. 23. You wear brown leather shoes. 24. Your first audio tape was Benjamin Blümchen and Bibi Blocksberg. 25. You have ended an English sentence with "..., or?". 26. You can tell at least one Manta joke. 27. You're a college student in your 11th year. 28. Your first sexual experience was on SAT-1, Saturday night at 11pm. 29. ... if you drill in your nose! (Nasebohren... wörtlich übersetzt) 30. You expect chocolate in your shoes on December 6th. 31. You complain that in other countries everything is dirty. 32. We are used to men getting drunk every Ascsenion Day 33. if you get up at 6 in the morning to reserve your sunbed with a towel and then go back to sleep till later. 34. You spent hours in school learning to pronounce "th". 35. ... taxi drivers drive Mercedes and the police on the Autobahn drive BMWs. 36. ... if you go to school in a gymnasium. 37. ... if you answer the phone giving your surname. 38. ... if you spend the summer at the "Baggersee". 39. ... if you say PorschE, not Porsh! 40a. ... if you freak out at the fact that Canadians/ Americans/ Brits use margarine for EVERYTHING... or SALTED BUTTER! For cooking! For BAKING! ON BREAD WITH NUTELLA! 40b. ... if ich ständig Nutella Brote verdrücke - I can't get enough Nutella sandwiches. 41. ... if you always have a pack of TEMPOS on you. 42. ... if you watch "Der 90.Geburstag - Dinner for One" on New Year's Eve every year and can still laugh about it. 43. ... if you burst into tears of happiness when you find that the Lidl markets in the UK sell Fleischsalat, not forgetting Salami, German yoghurts, German bread mix and so on! 44. ... if you believe that wooden toys are educationally superior (aren't they? - Ed) 45. ... if you think there is nothing wrong with dark brown tiles in your bathroom. (Kacheln) 46. ... if you know who Jim Knopf and Urmel are. 47. ... if you don't use anything but the finest Diddl Maus stationary 48. ... if you have guests coming and everything must be cleaned so it is pikabello sauber....even though it already was 49. ... if there is no such thing as BBQ only grillen 50. ... if there is only one Rudi Voeller 51. ... if the cold evening meal is eaten off wooden boards not plates. 52. ... if you are looking for the "esszett" i.e. ß on your keyboard 53. ... if you know what Das Sandmännchen is. 54. ... if you understand the following: I understand only railwaystation Heaven, ass and thread! Us runs the water in the mouth together. Human being Meier! My dear Mister singing-club! Now we sit quite beautiful in the ink... Your English is under all pig! To have a jump in the dish. To have much wood before the cottage. To have not all cups in the board. If you think, you can beat me over the ear, you are on the woodway. AND SO MANY MORE! 55. ... if you can identify with movies like: Die Fetten Jahre sind vorbei, Sonnenallee, Good Bye Lenin... 56. ... if you have been tortured with "Kabale und Liebe" during your Abitur. 57. ... if you always fold your Tetra Pak before you throw it in the appropriate bin. 58a. ... if most, if not all, of your childhood songs were by "Rolf Zuckowski und seine Kinder" 58b. ... if you learned all about traffic safety through songs by Rolf Zuckowski 59. ... if you eat raw pork with raw egg mmmh, lécker Hackepeter 60. ... if you do gifts on Christmas Eve - the proper way. Or is it just the Brits, US Americans, Canadians etc. that don't do it the proper way? Most European countries do! 61. ... if everybody calls you "zee german" and thinks that you LOVE sauerkraut and sausages... then you are german :PP 62. ... if you think you have less public holidays than other countries when in fact you have more! 63. ... if you own a David Hasselhoff tape 64. ... if you just don't get baseball and think it's boring 65. ... if you serve/ make a pasta salad for every occasion. 66. ... if you speak English but the German way...even when it sounds strange e.g. 'everything in order by you?' ... becoz order is so important! OR "I made the laundry" 67. ... if you only drink Sprudel Wasser and you add it to every other liquid you drink and call it Schorle! 68. ... if you like to eat your french fries with mayonaise and are revolted by the thought of vinegar on them. 69. ... if you keep going on about the ear worm that you currently have and people look at you like you have some tropical diseaseg. 70. ... if you think stores are closed on Sundays apart from the local railway station store (in most probability LIDL) 71. ... if you confuse your "if" and "when".... ;-) 72. ... if you watched GZSZ or Marienhof as a teenager. 73. ... if (when living in the UK) you have to have satellite TV to watch all those German programmes e.g. Wetten Dass and Tatort! 74. ... if you cringe when you hear the English version of 99 Luftballons - 99 Red Balloons. 75. ... if you say: "hier sieht's aus wie bei Hempels unterm Sofa" 76. ... if the concept of small talk still puzzles you (nervös machen) 77. ... if you laugh when other people get hurt, because Schadenfreude ist die schönste Freude 78. ... if you’re the only one recycling not just bottles and cans but also light bulbs, water filters, batteries, printer cartridges … 79. ... if you don't understand the joke "Don't mention the War" 80. ... if you reuse the plastic bags from the supermarket for your rubbish 81. ... if being on time means 15 minutes earlier to you 82. ... if you actually understand the lyrics of Rammstein and the double meanings 83a. ... if you know German bands like Tokio Hotel who are breaking around the world incl. the USA 83b. ... if you know who Heino is (and Hannelore - his wife) 84. ... if you wonder why all those people are standing waiting in line when it's easier to walk straight to the front 85. ... if you do not understand why your German passport with correct address is not good enough to open a UK bank account but your water bill is 86. ... if you find it strange that Nov 11 is Remembrance Day (UK) and noone is cutting guys' ties 87a. ... if you advise others to park their cars so that exhausts face the road so as to protect buildings from the fumes 87b. ... if you complain about people that just sit in their car with the engine running 87c. ... if you switch off your car at the traffic lights 88. ...if you just can't stand the taste of Marmite (würziger Aufstrich) 89. ... if you can't stand the sloppy white British/ American bread - the one where you try to spread your Nutella and it falls apart! 90. ... if you have 2 different types of toothpaste, one for the morning and one for the evening (e.g. Elmex/ Aronal) 91. ... (native German) if you have absolutely no idea who the von Trapp family are and you can't sing along to any of the Sound of Music film songs. 92. ... if you smash plates (yes the Greeks do it too) and saw logs a wedding 93. ... if nuts & raisins are something that only German students are meant to eat 94. ... if you knock on the table or desk after a university presentation/ seminar or similar 95. ... if you still differentiate between West Germans and East Germans (Wessis & Ossis) after xx years of reunification 96. ... if you watched "Brummkreisel" and the Czech version of "Aschenbroedel" on GDR1 and GDR2 even though you lived in the West 97. ... if you know who the Kelly Family are. 98. ... if greet everyone in a doctors' waiting room with a friendly "Guten Tag!" 99. ... if you always complain about Dutch caravans on German "Autobahnen" 100. ... if you can't laugh at British humour e.g. Fawlty Towers 101. ... if you go to the pictures, the cinema/ theater is empty but you still look where your assigned seat is - even if it's the left-most seat in the front row 102. ... if you are queing for bread rolls at 6am in the morning whilst on holiday 103. ... if you own a bicycle that brakes when you try to peddle backwards (Rücktritt) 104. ... if you know at least 15 different ways to cook potatoes 105. ... if you are really upset when the Deutsche Bahn is yet again 5 minutes late (that's late? If only it were only 5 minutes in the UK!) 106. ... if you feel uncomfortable saying "you" to adults in English classes. 107. ... if you're the only one knocking on your desk after a lecture to show your appreciation while everyone else stares at you. 108. ... if you switch the light off when you leave a room, (much to the dismay of your British flatmates). 109. ... if, in the UK, Australia and other countries where they drive on the left, you attempt to get into the driver's side when someone has offered you a lift/ ride. 110. ... if you wish every person around you "Mahlzeit" at mealtimes. 111. ... if you have a sense of guilt/ shame when you say that you are proud to be German
WIE MAN MÄNNER AM SCHNELLSTEN ABBLITZEN LÄSST
Er: Ist dieser Platz frei? Sie: Ja, und meiner auch, wenn du dich hinsetzt.
Er: Kann ich dir einen ausgeben? Sie: Danke, ich möchte lieber das Geld
Er: Stört es Dich, wenn ich rauche? Sie: Mich stört es nicht einmal, wenn du brennst
Er: Wow ist das voll hier, was? Sie: Dann verpiss Dich doch, dann gibt's Platz !
Er: Ziemlich laut hier, he? Sie: Dann halt doch einfach die Fresse!
Er: Ich bin Fotograf und suche nach einem Gesicht wie deinem. Sie: Ich bin plastische Chirurgin und suche nach einem Gesicht wie deinem.
Er: Hatten wir nicht mal ne Verabredung? Oder sogar zwei? Sie: Es muss eine gewesen sein. Ich mache nie den selben Fehler zweimal.
Er: Gehst du am Samstag mit mir aus? Sie: Tut mir leid, dieses Wochenende habe ich Kopfschmerzen
Er: Bei deinem Gesicht drehen sich sicherlich einige Köpfe nach dir um. Sie: Bei deinem Gesicht drehen sich sicherlich einige Mägen um.
Er: " Ach wär das schön wenn du jetzt geil wärst " Sie:" Ach wär das geil wenn du schön wärst
Er: Ich denke, ich könnte dich sehr glücklich machen. Sie: Wieso? Gehst du schon?
Er: Was würdest du sagen, wenn ich dich bitten würde, meine Frau zu werden? Sie: Nichts. Ich kann nicht gleichzeitig reden und lachen.
Er: Wenn ich dich nackt sehen könnte, würde ich glücklich sterben. Sie: Wenn ich dich nackt sehen würde, würde ich vor Lachen sterben